My son, those who love to do wrong will try to trick you. Don’t listen to them. They will say, “Come with us. Let’s hide and beat to death anyone who happens to walk by. We will swallow them whole, as the grave swallows the dying. We will take everything they have and fill our houses with stolen goods. So join us, and you can share everything we get.”
My son, don’t follow them. Don’t even take the first step along that path. They run to do something evil, and they cannot wait to kill someone.
Proverbs 1:10-16
It’s easy to read this passage and focus our attention on the group of people tempting you to do wrong. But, they are not the subject of this proverb. This proverb is addressed — twice I might add — to the writer’s son. So, this is not about this band of criminals who might be trying to trick or tempt you, this is about you. It is about your desires and your self-control.
The scenario Solomon paints for us here is pretty extreme for our time. Yes, there may be some gangs around that might still beat up random strangers as some sort of initiation, but this scenario is, thankfully, not one we have to think about too much today. However, having friends who may suck you into more minor trouble or even into undesirable traits like gossip are quite common.
As I said, this passage is about you and your desire to please or not disappoint your friends. If you are a people-pleaser, you know this struggle all to well. You know what it is like to give up a piece of yourself or say or do something you don’t really want to do just to keep the peace, make everybody happy, avoid conflict or — and this is the big fear — avoid not being liked. People-pleasers generally can’t stand the idea that somebody somewhere doesn’t like them.
This is the crux of this passage. It is a warning against going along with something you know is bad for you or that is wrong. Don’t let your friends determine your reputation. If disagreeing with your friends, or offering an alternative to their bad ideas is going to cost you your friends, the hard truth is that they probably aren’t really friends. Or at least, they aren’t good friends.
Confidence is important. As long as you know who you are, as long as you are a person of conviction, you will not struggle with the problems associated with people-pleasing. A confident person can make all the difference. Not a cocky person, but a truly confident person can be a great leader and can change the course of a group of people who are starting to go in an unwholesome direction.
How does one acquire this confidence? Especially when so many people trend toward people-pleasing? Here are just a few tips.
KNOW YOURSELF
Introspection is important, and unfortunately, it is becoming a lost art. Spend some time with yourself, in quiet meditation and thought. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your values? The first step to being confident about who you are is to actually know who you are.
KNOW YOUR GOD
God created you. He made you who you are. The more in-tune you are with your maker, the more in-tune you will be with yourself. Some of you may have been raised in faith traditions that told you God was angry with you and you could never measure up to His standards. God is not angry at you. God made you. God delights in you. Yes, He’s perfect and you’re imperfect, but He delights in you so much that He provided a bridge between your humanity and His divinity. Know your God. Know His love. Know that He values you. If you know even one one-millionth of how much He values you, it won’t matter much to you what other people think of you because you know who you are in the eyes of your Creator.
KNOW YOUR ISSUES
We all have issues. There’s not a single person alive who doesn’t have some amount of drama. Know what that is in your life, own it, and either work on it, or be okay with it. The apostle Paul had what he called a thorn in his side. We don’t know what it is, but we do know it kept him up at night. He prayed God would take it away, but the thorn didn’t go anywhere. Paul had to learn how to deal with his thorn. One of the keys to confidence is not just being confident about what you can do and who you are, but knowing and being confident about what you can’t do and who you aren’t.
Does that sound weird? Being confident in something you can’t do? That doesn’t mean pretending you can do something you can’t do. It means if someone asks you to do something you aren’t capable of you are fine telling them, “There are people who are good at that, but I’m not one of them, I’m gonna have to pass.”
The path away from people-pleasing is paved with confidence.
One final note: When I say people-pleasing, I am not saying you shouldn’t care about other people’s happiness. You shouldn’t go out of your way to not please people. That is it’s own problem. But, if your life is defined by others, if your happiness is defined by how others feel, that is a real problem and it will lead you — as this proverb indicates — down a very dark road that can lead to your own demise. It may not, but it could because you’re going wherever the bus takes you and you don’t have any control over it. You just have to pray you got on the right bus. If you’re the one driving, you can steer away from danger.