Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.
-Proverbs 1:8 & 9
DISCLAIMER: If you came from an abusive background with abusive parents, go ahead and skip this. No one should ever suggest to you that anything in the Bible relating to obeying one’s parents applies to abusive relationships. Parents abusing their children flies so far against the grain of normal human behavior that it creates situations where the child simply cannot do the “right” thing because a lose-lose scenario is being created by the parent. If this is your story, it may not seem like much, but you have a Father in Heaven and he is so totally and extremely different than what you experienced from your earthly parents. Run to Him and as your relationship with Him deepens, you can better understand how some of the verses in the Bible about parents and children relate to your unique and tragic situation.
We can’t know for sure when this saying of Solomon was recorded, but if I were to hazard a guess I would say this is written for an adult and not a small child. The reason is the use of the word forsake (or forget) when talking about your mother’s teaching. A child who is actively in their parents’ care is unlikely to forget the overall teaching of their parents. A child who is grown and blazing his or her own trail is much more likely to forget. This proverb seems like it is aimed at the young man or young woman just starting out on their own.
If you were raised in a functional family where your mother and father were people of wisdom who passed that wisdom on to you, this proverb is a no-brainer. If you came from any amount of dysfunction or if your parents weren’t exactly known for their wise choices, you probably scoffed when you read this proverb. It may surprise you to learn about the source of this proverb. King Solomon, the wisest and wealthiest king to ever rule the Israelites may sound like a member of an ancient royal family who didn’t have any struggle, but he came from a very dysfunctional family.
His father was King David and his mother was Bathsheba. You may remember that Bathsheba was married to someone else before King David, but David decided to send him to the front lines of battle and keep Bathsheba for himself. This is far from functional, and if there’s one thing we know in particular about Solomon’s father, it’s that he didn’t make the wisest or best choices. So, remember who Solomon’s daddy is when you think about him saying “hear your father’s instruction.”
Some of us had parents that made wise choices and were good teachers. Others had parents who made crummy choices and set a pretty bad example, but regardless of the quality of the choices or the teaching, our parents represent where we came from and they also programmed our brains. So your father was a liar. That doesn’t mean you have to listen to the lies, but remember where you came from. Remember what it was that made your father choose that. Remember the circumstances surrounding the choices — good or bad — that your parents made. What your parents did in difficult situations are their teachings. You can agree or disagree, but don’t ever forget.
If you came from poverty, and you grow up and get out of it, don’t forget what it was like to be hungry. Don’t forget how your mother handled the stack of bills. If you came from wealth and you’ve sworn off of it and moved into a tiny house, don’t forget the privilege of your youth.
Your parents, flawed or perfect as they may have been, taught you how to navigate this world. Most of them did the best they could and what they helped you build and flesh out was your character. That’s the garland and pendant around your neck. Character.
Like I said, you don’t have to agree with what your parents taught you. But, consider why they gave you that lesson. Maybe they knew something you haven’t figured out yet, and someday you’ll pull that teaching out of your back pocket and realize they were right. Maybe not, maybe it was some bad stuff, but if you really listened to what their lives told you — you can understand what they were trying to teach you.
The teaching of parents is like a royal lineage. Your great-grandfather passed his wisdom down to your grandfather, who passed it down to your father, who passed it down to you. Much like that garland around the neck that was adorned on Kings in ancient times, this wisdom as passed down for generations. It’s who you are, and if you want to be a better person you can’t ever forget who you are or where you came from.
Even if your family is filled with crooks for several generations and you just want to be the one person who is different, don’t forget where you came from. It’ll keep you from going back.
If your family is perfect and you have absolutely no family drama at the Thanksgiving table, don’t forget where you came from. It’ll keep you from wandering away.
Don’t forget what your parents taught you and don’t forget where you came from. It’ll keep you from becoming someone you don’t want to be.